Pains to Avoid
by Eurydice
Summary: Dana has some trouble with Jeremy while Dan has some problems of his own.


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Disclaimer: Sports Night and all the characters contained therein do not belong to me. Please review. 

SCENE ONE: Dana's office

[Dana, Natalie]

Dana: [in the blackout] Natalie!

[Fade up]

[Dana is standing in the doorway, Natalie is just outside.]

Natalie: What's up?  
Dana: [hushed] I need to talk to you. [She hurries Natalie into her office. Natalie looks bemused and worried.]

Natalie: Something wrong?

Dana: Maybe. [She shuts the door and paces to the window.] I think Jeremy… you know… [gestures a bit]

Natalie: …is doing a wonderful job?

Dana: No. Well, yes, he _is_ doing a wonderful job, but that's not what I'm worried about.

Natalie: It wouldn't be.

Dana: I think Jeremy is… you know… [gestures again]

Natalie: First word, two syllables?

Dana: No! Look, Natalie-

Natalie: I can't read your mind, Dana.

Dana: I know that-

Natalie: Sometimes I have the uncanny feeling that you can read mine, but unfortunately, clairvoyance has escaped me.

Dana: I didn't think you could read my mind. Okay, what I'm trying to say is… and I don't mean at all to sound arrogant or anything, but… I think Jeremy is in love with me.

Natalie: [stifling a laugh] Oh?

Dana: Why are you laughing? You don't think I'm right?

Natalie: Not really.

Dana: Isn't it plausible? I mean, haven't you noticed the signs?

Natalie: Not really, you know why?

Dana: Why?

Natalie: Two reasons. One, there are no signs, and two, Jeremy's in love with _me_. You know who _is_ in love with you?

Dana: Don't say Casey.

Natalie: I wasn't going to say Casey.

Dana: Because Casey isn't in love with me, Natalie, I know this.

Natalie: I wasn't going to say Casey.

Dana: Casey's not for me, Natalie.

Natalie: That's good, cos I wasn't going to say Casey.

Dana: Then who?  
Natalie: Casey.

Dana: Natalie, there are signs! I see signs!

Natalie: Like big signs that say "Schenechtady, 10 miles" or the little ones I've never understood that say "Open Joints On Bridge"?

Dana: I'm being serious! [lowers her voice] The other day, when I got to work, I tripped, and Jeremy helped me up.

Natalie: [beat] That's it? That's your sign?

Dana: He said, "Are you all right, Dana?"

Natalie: I'm convinced. My romance with Jeremy has been a sham.

Dana: Natalie-

Natalie: I should be feeling real jealousy right now, but instead, I'm just sad.

Dana: [beat] You don't think so, huh?

Natalie: No, Dana.

Dana: You're right. You're absolutely right. I was being foolish.

Natalie: You bet you were.

Dana: Thanks, Natalie.

Natalie: No problem. C'mon, we've got a rundown meeting in ten minutes.

Dana: Right.

SCENE TWO: Conference Room

[Dan, Casey, Dana, Natalie, Jeremy, Chris, Dave, Will, Elliot, Kim.]

Dana: …so we're gonna move Houston into the 40's. Switch it with Chicago.

Chris: Is that the Comets or the Astros?

Will: The Comets.

Chris: How do you know it's the Comets? Maybe it's the Astros.

Will: We were just talking about the Comets.

Natalie: Comets, Chris. [Will looks smug]

Dan: [leafing through some notes] Am I reading this right?

Casey: I wouldn't know.

Dan: Shirley Drake twisted her ankle, and she's sitting out for five games?

Dana: Twisting your ankle can be pretty serious, Dan. You don't want to be running up and down the court on a busted ankle.

Dan: But it's just twisted. It doesn't say sprained, it doesn't say broken, it just says "twisted" right here.

Dana: And? 

Dan: I just think maybe Shirley Drake is being a wuss.

Casey: [amused] You gonna say that on the air?

Dan: Of course not, I'm saying it here in the rundown so I don't have to say it on the air.

Casey: You called someone a wuss on-air once.

Dan: I did?

Casey: I think it was Dennis Rodman.

Dan: Shirley Drake is no Dennis Rodman.

Jeremy: Shirley Drake is one of the best players in women's basketball. They probably want her to stay on her feet once she gets back on them.

Dana: [ready to move on] Jeremy's right, you can't have her hurting herself even more. So-

Jeremy: Thank you, Dana.

Dana: [looking flustered] Anyway, moving on!

Jeremy: Um, Dana?

Dana: We really need to get through this rundown, Jeremy.

Jeremy: But there's nothing else on the agenda.

Dana: Oh. Right. Of course. [stands] Back here at ten.

[Everyone exits except Dana and Natalie, who begin to walk to the booth.]

Dana: You see what I'm talking about?

Natalie: Still, no.

Dana: You're not seeing the signs?

Natalie: Nope. No signs. 

Dana: [pause] You're right. You're right. Just gonna… ignore the signs. Because there are no signs.

Natalie: I'm glad you're beginning to see the light.

SCENE THREE: Editing room

[Dan, Jeremy]

[Dan is sitting in a chair and watching golf, every so often fast fowarding or rewinding to study something further. Jeremy enters with a clipboard. He hands it to Dan.]

Jeremy: Here are those stats on the NEC Invitational.

Dan: Thanks.

Jeremy: [beat] You're not going to call Shirley Drake a wuss on the air, are you?

Dan: I already told you I wouldn't.

Jeremy: Because she twisted her ankle, Dan. That's painful.

Dan: I'm sure it is, but it is five games' worth of painful?

Jeremy: Only Shirley Drake and her doctor can tell you that.

Dan: [pause] The Comets are on fire, aren't they?

Jeremy: That would be a much better thing to say on the air.

Dan: Maybe I will say it, because it's true. They are on _fire_. [He stands and heads for the door, but his right foot gets caught on the chair leg and he falls. Jeremy starts.]

Jeremy: You okay, Dan?

Dan: [from the floor] Yeah. Fine. [He starts to get up, but when he puts weight on his right leg he immediately stops and sits back on the floor again.] Maybe not so fine.

Jeremy: Took quite a spill there.

Dan: I know. But it's nothing. I'm fine. [He uses the chair to pull himself to standing, balancing on his left foot.]

Jeremy: Something wrong with your foot?

Dan: My foot?

Jeremy: Your foot. You're favoring your right foot.

Dan: Nah. [He sets the foot on the ground, winces, and pulls it back up again.]

Jeremy: Dan? Can you walk? [Dan nods, pauses, then shakes his head.]

Dan: I can hobble.

Jeremy: [Goes to Dan and supports his right side.] C'mon. [They make their way outside.]

Dan: Where are we going?

Jeremy: Your office, I think.

Dan: Why?

Jeremy: It's got a couch. You can put your foot up.

Dan: I don't need to put my foot up. Foot's fine.

Jeremy: Then why am I practically carrying you?

Dan: Your choice. Not mine. [They stop.]

Jeremy: You want to stand on one foot all day?

Dan: Not really.

Jeremy: [they continue] Almost there.

[Casey passes them, stops, and stares.]

Casey: Danny? Something wrong with your foot?

Jeremy: Believe me, I'm not doing this just for kicks.

Dan: I tripped over a chair, it's nothing.

Casey: Mm-hmm. 

Dan: So maybe I twisted my ankle a little bit.

Casey: I bet Shirley Drake's looking like less of a wuss now. [They reach the office and Jeremy deposits Dan on the couch.]

Dan: It doesn't hurt as much as you may think.

Casey: Oh no?

Dan: Give me a few minutes, I'll be right as rain.

[Jeremy and Casey look at him, unconvinced. Dana comes up behind them and looks between the two. They don't notice her. She looks as if she's trying to make a decision, then shoves her way through them.]

Dana: Dan, your intro for the 50's- what's wrong with you?

Dan: [tries to look nonchalant] Just… relaxing.

Jeremy: We think he twisted his ankle.

Dana: Oh. May I see?

Dan: Why?

Dana: Because if you twisted your ankle it'll be all puffy.

Dan: And you like looking at puffy ankles, do you?

Dana: Jeremy, can you get Dan some ice, please?

Jeremy: Sure. [He leaves. Dana watches him go, suspiciously.]

Dana: I just wanted to tell you, Dan, that your intro for the 50's is long by ten seconds. I need you to trim it. Do you two think that Jeremy's acting a little funny?

Casey: Well, he usually does, so-

Dan: What's up, Dana?

Dana: [beat] Oh, nothing. That's right, it's nothing. 

Dan: Do you think something's wrong with Jeremy?

Dana: No, no, nothing's wrong with Jeremy.

Dan: Just as there is nothing wrong with my ankle.

Casey: There the analogy goes awry. [He sits on the edge of the couch and tries to squint at Dan's ankle. Dan leans forward.]

Dan: Leave it alone!

[Jeremy enters, carrying a bag of ice. He puts it on Dan's ankle.]

Dan: Thanks, Jeremy, though I must remind you that my ankle is fine.

Jeremy: Of course it is.

Casey: [trying to sound casual] So, Jeremy, anything wrong with you? [Dana shoots him a look.]

Jeremy: I'm a bit nearsighted.

Casey: Hence the glasses.

Jeremy: Hence the glasses. Why do you ask?

Casey: No reason. Just… you know, asking.

Jeremy: Right, well, my myopia and I will be running along now. I have some work to do before the show tonight. Casey, Dan, Dana. [He nods and exits.]

Dana: What was that?

Casey: What was what?

Dana: "So, Jeremy, anything wrong with you?" What was that? Are you deliberately trying to make me crazy?

Dan: Dana, what is the problem?

Dana: [exploding] Nothing is the problem! [calming] There is no problem. There are no signs. And even if there were signs, they're incorrect signs.

Casey: [not understanding] Uh-huh…

Dan: Dana, have you ever considered the fact that you might be crazy?

Dana: [picking up a tape dispenser] Dan, have you ever considered the fact that a full grown woman might throw a tape dispenser at your ankle?

Dan: Yes, and I fear it like I've never feared anything else.

Dana: Okay then. [puts down tape dispenser] [Jeremy returns]

Jeremy: Oh, I forgot some-

Dana: [whirls around] You! Get out!

Jeremy: It can wait! [turns and hurries away]

Casey: Dana, please calm down.

Dana: [calmly] I am perfectly calm, Casey, I'm just… I'm perfectly calm.

[From behind them, Dan yelps and there is a soft thud. Dana and Casey turn to see Dan passed out on the couch.]

SCENE 4: The booth

[Jeremy, Natalie, Chris, Dave, Will]

Natalie: Remember that Houston is now in the 40's.

Dave: Check.

Jeremy: Is Dana acting strangely to you? [Natalie looks guilty but tries to cover it.]

Natalie: No.

Jeremy: Because she practically bit my head off this afternoon. In fact she's been avoiding me for a couple of days now.

Natalie: Does this bother you?

Jeremy: Well, if I've done something I'd like to know what it was. And, oh, I don't know, I don't really enjoy it when people are mean to me.

Will: Want us to tell the principal?

Jeremy: Fine, make jokes. [Will smiles]

Natalie: She's probably in a bad mood or something.

Jeremy: Probably? Doesn't she tell you when she's in a bad mood?

Natalie: Well… yeah, most of the time.

Jeremy: She doesn't seem to be taking it out on anyone else-

Natalie: Are you in love with Dana?

Jeremy: [after a pause] [addressing Will, Chris and Dave] Was that question out of the blue, or am I missing something here?

[Will, Chris and Dave all attempt to look busy]

Jeremy: No, Natalie, I'm not in love with Dana.

Natalie: She seems to think you are.

Jeremy: Do you think I am?

Natalie: No.

Jeremy: Because I'm not. 

Natalie: I believe you.

Jeremy: Good.

[Dana and Kim enter the booth. Natalie and Jeremy look startled. Dana regards Jeremy with veiled suspicion for a moment, then avoids his eyes.]

Dana: We're gonna have a good show, I can feel it. [puts on her glasses]

Natalie: There is a distinct "good show" feeling in the air tonight!

Dana: Yes! There is! [sits, her back slightly to Jeremy. Jeremy rolls his eyes minutely.]

Jeremy: Dana?

Dana: [still doesn't look at him] Yes, Jeremy?

Jeremy: Can I talk to you outside for a moment, please?

Dana: [a little panicked] Outside?

Jeremy: Well, not actually outside, but not in here.

Natalie: [soothingly] Talk to Jeremy, Dana. [Dana shoots her a look, then gets up.] 

Dana: Okay, outside. 

[Continuous – Jeremy and Dana go into the hallway]

Jeremy: Okay, Dana, I'll just say this-

Dana: Jeremy, please don't say - 

Jeremy: [at the same time] I'm not in love with you.

Dana: [after a pause] Oh?

Jeremy: Yes.

Dana: Oh.

Jeremy: Don't get me wrong, you're… you're a very attractive woman, but I'm in love with Natalie. 

Dana: Good. You should be in love with Natalie.

Jeremy: If I have been giving you… signs or signals or anything, they were probably inadvertant.

Dana: No. There were no signs. [smiles] No signs.

Jeremy: Yes, so… are we… [gestures vaguely]

Dana: We're fine, Jeremy. Let's go do the show. [Jeremy nods.]

[Continuous – Jeremy and Dana go back into the booth.]

[Continuous – Kim leaves the booth and goes to the studio, carrying scripts. She gives them to Dan and Casey, who are preparing.]

Casey: Thanks, Kim.

Kim: Sure. [leaves]

Dan: I didn't faint.

Casey: [amused] Well, you sure did something.

Dan: I had a little trouble with my balance. That's all.

Casey: You passed out, Danny. Took a dive.

Dan: I fell down.

Casey: You swooned.

Dan: [conceding] My ankle hurts.

Casey: You admit it now.

Dan: I do more than admit it. I am in awful pain.

Casey: That bad?

Dan: [points behind the wall] You see those crutches back there?

Casey: [cranes his neck to look] Yep.

Dan: Those are mine.

Casey: And you just happened to have those crutches?

Dan: I'm borrowing them.

Casey: And you admit that the pain is bad.

Dan: If you recall, not one minute ago I said, "I am in awful pain." I can completely sympathize with Shirley Drake. I will never play basketball again.

Casey: You don't play basketball anyway.

Dan: So I'm right. But you know what I will do?

Casey: What will you do?

Dan: [decisively] I will face the pain.

Casey: Face the pain?

Dan: I'm facing the pain.

Casey: Good man.

Dan: I'm a good man, and I'm facing the pain.

Casey: Know what you'll do eventually? [beat] Overcome the pain.

Dan: I will overcome the pain, my friend.

Dave: [VO] In three, two…

Casey: Good evening! You're watching Sports Night on CSC, I'm Casey McCall alongside Dan Rydell. Those stories plus, we're going to Houston with the fiery Comets, where Shirley Drake is enjoying the view from the bench.

Dan: We'll take you to Chicago, where the Bulls are ready to charge and the Rockets are ready to rock. You're watching Sports Night on CSC, so stick around.

[Fade out]

Dave: [VO] We're out.

END


End file.
